I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.