when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America