I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
