you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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