Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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