I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
