She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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