His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She needs sedatives and a leash
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I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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