i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
