i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
