I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
