Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
