Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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