just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
