Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
