Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
