he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
