I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
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Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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