Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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