I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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