Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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