i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
