Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...