Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?