Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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