I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
