did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
