Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
