my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
