It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
