I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
