May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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