I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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