I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
