hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
