I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
