I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
