i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
