And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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