I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
