Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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