Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
