Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
