need another drink. this is the easiest way
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
