I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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