Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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