you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
