my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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