sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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