My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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