yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.