mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll