I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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