he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
