it hurts more in the daytime
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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