theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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