either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
